The Mind Battle

I once was a kid with innocent eyes and heaven set mind. I ate from a table serving southern styled values cooked by standard examples. Back in the first grade I only wanted to be seen with the guys and to eat with the most popular dudes at lunch time on the brunch table and then fourth grade , girls could pass by and I wouldn’t even lift my eyes. But then fifth grade came, and things began to change, now girls were never seen the same. Tick tock the veiled seam has been torn, and she now takes my eyes for a ride whenever she walks by.
I excuse myself from the table and pull the chair up to the buffet, force-feeding this belly full of endless deception and artificial affection. I dine on a four course five star sin served fresh from the best of them. I got hooked by my first taste of what was never meant to be tried. I wiped my mouth clean with a gold napkin made from the greatest of illusions, and then I took another bite. Poisoned with perverted preservatives in stealth stimulation, I scarred my innocent eyes and heaven set mind, with a taste of rust, washing it down with a sip of corrupting modest. I saw straight the struggle of what was never meant to be sought, with my bare hands I fought images that once seen could never be forgotten. Propelled by unsatisfied hunger my mind floated deeper into the darkness of riptide waters, drifting uncontrollably in the splashy sea of selfish desires. Scrolling screen to screen checking out stranger after stranger, flipping from channel to channel losing myself in waves of misleading materials that kept afloat my pride.
Watching these stocks that lives to rise throughout every drowning night, this disconnected my inset buttons and breathe.  All for a blinding snapshot, of self-satisfaction that led to countless series of spiritual subtraction, I climb the ladder of societal degradation in a community I clamored for equal human rights. But I am a house built out of broken excuses on a mountain top of cushioned disgrace. I got a freak load of a job dressing up the outside and doing one hell of a job burning down the inside. I sparked one match of reckless abandon, a white light of guilt free gratification, but that flame grew into a wild fire of exhausting temptation, burning my passion of deadly dedication and I am sick, I am sick of resolving the pulse line of my crime building up in my head. For I do not do the things I want, but I do the very thing I hate and I do not want to do these things. I do not want to break belief for a moment of guilt ridden release. I do not want to fall victim to games of the beast that roams the streets of judgmental disorder.
On my back, relentless to change, I got wrapped in sheets of shame, coming in close to images I’d rather do anything to erase. Comatose from overdose on objectifying, I fall to my knees to pray, God!! I’ve done this; I’m the one to blame, I look the flame in the eye and dared him to move closer. I opened the door and invited the demons into play and their misleading smiles and childlike legion games carried me away. I wrestle with directions and temptations but continued to play. Tired of falling, of failing, we played hundreds of one last final game but each time they blind folded me and led me to my own grave. God!! I come carrying a baggage of endless burdens and bruised hands but I’m ready to drop them. I’m ready to surrender and I know, I know I drill more nails into your son’s hands than this mind can comprehend. But, here I am Lord I surrender, cast out  these thoughts  that crucify my mind that plague my march and stride, I’m faced down on bent knees begging death not to take my life. At your cross surrendering, I surrender, at your grave of grace I grieve, at your cross I surrender.


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